There’s this saying by Mahatma Gandhi that says “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. “
Recently, after the death of a beloved friend that was caused by an explosion… the idea of death seems to be following me everywhere. I’m not psychotic or insane , well maybe i am , but whenever i place a foot out of the door it’s as if i’m going out to die, that there’s no coming back. I text my friends and tell them where i’m at just so they would know in case of catastrophic news. I kiss my parents goodbye and tell them that i love them… and so my day starts with fear and terror that i might miss prom&graduation,my own wedding,seeing my kids grow up&the thought of what my family would go through torments me. I imagine my mom crying during my funeral, my dad trying to hold his tears while burying me& my sister being all alone with no one to piss her off.
It’s been a month since he last died. I see him everyday. Whenever i turn around i just see his face in a split second. We weren’t extremely close but we had countless mutual friends, so he was there in most of the outings planned. Ever since he passed away, i regretted every single day i saw him and didn’t come up and open a conversation with him. It was our friend’s birthday actually, 4 days before the explosion, we were both there, but i ended up spending that day without saying hello… He walked by many times and i just didn’t talk to him. 4 days afterwards, he died.
So right now, i’m basically living my life with a shit load of regret and an eternal idea that death is following me.